It's Only Funny Until Somebody Loses an Eye. Then, It's Hilarious.

The Cheez and I are living life dangerously these days.

We've been eating peanut butter AND bulk bin peanuts.

It's like playing Russian Roulette with legumes.

Cheez, being Canadian, is of course obsessed with safety.  

So much so, that he collects the Safety Cards from airplanes.

So if you're on a jet that starts to nose-dive, and you discover to your great dismay that your handy pictorial guide to unintentional deplaning is missing, Blame Canada. 

The pile of purloined safety cards actually makes me feel distinctly unsafe.  I am always a little worried that Homeland Security will raid our house, find the cards, and drag us off as potential terrorists.  Because it's not just the airplane information that we have on hand.

We're also stockpiling weapons.

You see, while he collects airline safety cards, I collect . . . SOUVENIR SPOONS.  

So right after Cheez commandeers the EXIT row, I could, theoretically, gouge out your eyeballs, while regaling you with fond memories of that business trip I took to Columbus.

But of course, we wouldn't do that. We don't want to hurt anybody.  Quite the opposite.

Which is why I thought I'd share some travel tips I picked up from the safety card on our recent trip to California.

SAFETY CARD TIP 1:  

In an emergency . . .

. . . it's okay to wear wedge heels with a business suit.

SAFETY CARD TIP 2:

Just make sure you . . .

. . . iron your suit, 

so you don't look like some zhlub who'll never get upgraded out of economy.

SAFETY CARD TIP3:

Make sure to choose pants . . .

. . . that are comfortable, so you can maneuver easily in an emergency . . .

. . . without any unsightly VPL.

SAFETY CARD TIP 4:

If you are traveling with a child, or anyone who may require assistance in an emergency . . .

. . . please remember . . .

. . . people with fabulous 80s coifs should secure their own masks

before assisting people who were too lazy to comb their hair

and just threw on a baseball cap instead.

SAFETY CARD TIP 5:

You know that trick with the magnifying glass

that sets ants on fire?

 . . . if you have x-ray vision, don't use it while the plane is airborne.

SAFETY CARD TIP 6:

It turns out what you heard in the bathroom in junior high is true . . .

. . . you can make a baby just from going swimming with a boy.

But the most important travel tip I learned was not from the safety cards.

It was from some fellow passengers who were waiting at the baggage claim.

Look very closely at the soldiers.

These guys are total travel geniuses.

They have figured out how to sneak extra carry-ons. 

CAMOUFLAGE!!!!

So why, if they can camo-on all they want, are they at baggage claim?

Let's just say the TSA wouldn't let me take my hiking poles into the cabin.

One can only imagine what "outdoor equipment" the trained-to-kill-with-your-tax-dollars corps might have needed to check.