Bulletin Boarder Patrol

Portland isn't like other places I've lived.

For example, when I say, I was at the NAACP meeting — here in Portland, that refers to the Neighborly African Americanesque Cupcake Party.

Since I live in Southeast Portland, the only thing brown was the baked goods.

Since I live in Southeast Portland, the cupcakes were not the only things baked.

Yes, we had so much fun watching the Obama speech on Thursday, we almost forgot we were supposed to be having a neighborhood meeting, until Neighbor "Chops" called us to order.

We need a neighborhood bulletin board, she said.

What for? Asked Neighbor Señor Reverbo.

Whimsy, Chops said.

You mean something like they have at campsites? Neighbor The Breeder asked, deftly juggling her nursing baby and her ninth cupcake.

Can we post campground rules? the lovely Señora Reverba wondered.

And maybe a map of all my dog's unpicked up poop the Breeder added.

Presumably she meant so she could get around to picking up said poop, not because she thinks the rest of us really want to know where to find the little treasures.

Can we build it out of bamboo? asked Señor Reverbo, explaining that his yard is still plagued by intruding offshoots of a bamboo plant that belonged to a neighbor who moved away four years ago.

Get yourself a panda bear I suggested.

We thought we'd put it on wheels Chops said. So everybody could share it.

The panda bear? I asked.

No, the neighborhood bulletin board she said.

If it's on wheels, won't it be unstable? Neighbor Dawg asked.

Name one person or thing on this block that isn't unstable I challenged.

We'll need to have something dimensional for the roof Chops said.

I'm already dementional her dear Dawg observed.

Can we put solar-powered LED lights on it? Chops wondered.

Won't that attract the wrong element? asked the Wanderer (a visitor to our dear city).

We are the wrong element his hostess explained.

Unstable we may be, but that doesn't mean we aren't Eager Beaver-Staters. Before you know it, we had a rough sketch of the bulletin board, with Chops volunteering some corrugated tin from her old woodstove for the roof, and me volunteering to cannibalize copper pipe from an old hat rack for the frame. Best of all, as with the PTA, we were all quick to volunteer anyone foolish enough to miss the meeting. In this case, that means neighbor Texans Can Be Democrats Too was put down for carpentry duty.

If you were a carpenter, and I were a lady, I sang, we'd be on top of the world, looking down on creation.

No one was exactly sure how we'd con our Texan carpenter into building the bulletin board. I suggested we all pretend he was at the meeting and had agreed to it, in the hopes we could induce false memory syndrome.

Bamboo + booze = bamboozled said Señor Reverbo.

There better be some good shit on this bulletin board, if we're going to all this trouble Señora Reverba said.

That reminds me, said the Breeder, can we put poop bags on the board?

You do mean EMPTY poop bags, right? I asked. Which it turns out she did.

We then debated which was more likely to pee/pooh on a neighbor's lawn, the Breeder's free-range dog or the Breeder's free-range two-and-a-half year old.

Let's get back to business Chops said.

Which caused the entire group to offer up a rousing rendition of Business Time.

Chops persisted. What are our action statements?

Where'd you get another Rolling Rock? Dawg asked.

I haven't seen any action in a while the Wanderer said.

Can I sing MacArthur Park now? the Breeder asked, then immediately belted out Someone left the cake out in the rain.

Actually, it was more like No Cupcake Left Behind, since by then she had downed two more.

Luckily, about that time someone moved to adjourn the meeting. Someone else seconded. The vote was unanimous.

I was charged with writing up the minutes and posting the action items.

If only we had a nice bulletin board to put them on.