Not to mention an excuse to party for three days straight, to kick off the season during which Americans party for three months straight.
Giving your life so that a bunch of yahoos can go powerboating while shitfaced, that truly is the ultimate sacrifice.
Though we did not go powerboating, my squeeze the Cheez and I did enjoy some full throttle fun.
Where? you ask.
Well, here's a hint: the slogan was It's a Family A'Fair.
No, not the Poor Spellers for Incest Association.
The 103rd Annual Multnomah County Fair. No kinky sex in that. Unless of course you count the Rose City Rabbit Fanciers' Double Open Show.
I'm not sure what exactly "double open" refers to, but I'm sure whatever it was, they were doing it like bunnies.
An organful of mood music for all your rabbit fancying needs
The Fair exhibits were fascinating.
Though not necessarily impressive. Unless you are impressed by how much a giant vegetable can resemble a wiffle-ball bat.
Note how this lovely display of prize-winning roses nicely camouflages a Fair-goer in bright floral polyester top.
Think of it as the Magic Eye Can't Believe You Wore That Out in Public
The fair is held at Oaks Park.
A name which might conjure up Frederick Law Olmstedfast bucolic delights. But is actually a semi-seedy amusement park.
Not to say Olmsted didn't have a fluming good time on an E-ticket ride himself from time to time.
Whilst the Multnomah County Fair is free, the rides at the amusement park, which although permanent exude that aura of rusting hazard usually associated with a weekend carny on the most rundown outskirts of town, are not.
Luckily, as we arrived, a departing park visitor offered me his only-slightly-torn ride bracelet. In other words: Free Memorial Day Not Quite Carny Rides!!!!!!
Just one more indicator that Barack Obama has truly brought socialism to our nation.
And since we were all in the Spirit of America, our first stop on the midway was the Lewis and Clark Big Adventure. Which turned out to be animotronic proof that George Santayana was right: those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be haunted by it.
Warning: this cannot accurately be called a "Thrill Ride" inasmuch as it is fairly boring, even after I edited out half the ride. I think it is most enjoyed by those Oaks Parks attendees who have enjoyed a Portland-style puff on the old peace pipe to celebrate their encounter with the Shoshone.
We wound up our visit with me conning Cheez into going on an actual scary ride.
Of course, when you are so prone to motion sickness you feel vomity if you try to read a map while you are riding shotgun in the Macaroni and Cheez Mobile (aka, our '99 Saturn), just about any ride is a scary ride.
Confident that centripetal force would cause Cheez only to puke on his own lap, and not on mine, I dragged him over to one of the park's newest rides, the Spider. Here is how it is billed on their website:
The Spider Don't get caught in this Spiders web of fear. Keep your bug spray with you at all time. A very serious ride!!
Clearly, the copywriter had had a little too much of the old peace pipe. Or maybe not enough.
In any event, we waited a quarter of an hour, got on for the last ride of the night, spent ninety seconds screaming, and about twelve hours waiting for Chuck's nausea to pass.
We might as well have been drunkenly powerboating, sick as he felt.
And really, nothing goes with the Red-White-and-Blue Patriotism of a Great American Holiday like a little Green-Around-the-Gills.
I(pecac) can hardly wait for the 4th of July.
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