Thursday, July 24, 2008

Flushed With Native Pride

I didn't mean to make a big stink in the bathroom, really I didn't.

But there I was at the Walgreen's, indecisive as ever about which toilet paper to purchase.

I've been buying toilet paper for eighteen years. I'm highly opinionated about most everything else. Yet somehow I never know which toilet paper I like.

I think it's because when one is actually using the toilet paper, there is no clear indication of which brand it is.

Maybe if they would plaster Mr. Whipple's face across each little square, it'd make more of an impression.
Finally, I made a bold selection.

You know how in certain cultures, they wipe only with the left hand? Well, now we'll be wiping with the leftist hand.
Yeah, it's PC in the WC.

Or as PC as a product you coat in bodily waste and then flush into the water stream can be.

Nice how the Cherohonkees up in Vermont named the product for, as the packaging puts it, the Great Law of the Iroquois.

Sort of puts the teepee in TP.

You might think the great law of the Iroquois was Employees Must Wash Before Returning to Work.

But no. According to the toilet paper package, it was
: "In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations"

Actually, I'm not even sure what country my great-great-great-great-grandparents were living in. I'm pretty certain I'll never know what they were using to wipe their tushes. But still, it's eight roles of 7th Generation for us.

As long as we're on the issue of bathroom tissue . . .

When I taught at UCLA, one of my more memorable students was a young woman named Sharmin.

Sharmin was memorable because she cheated in my class.

So I put the squeeze on Sharmin. I turned her in to the Dean. And when I told my friend Bill about it, he got that special gleam in his eye.

Yes, you can put this in your TV show, I said. But you can't use her real name.

But that's the best part
, he said. Her name means toilet paper.

It did seem apt, given how crap her ethics were. But still I insisted he'd have to change the name.

Call her White Cloud another friend suggested. She can be the Native American student.

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